The Elephant in the Room

From Wikipedia: "Elephant in the room" is an English metaphorical idiom for an obvious truth that is being ignored or goes unaddressed.  The idiomatic expression also applies to an obvious problem or risk no one wants to discuss.


I find this expression quite appropriate when it comes to describing how I feel a lot of the time when I am in social situations (specifically the second sentence in the Wikipedia description above).  I have actually felt this way a lot over the past couple of decades in various situations.  


I am not saying that I am an actual problem that others do not want to discuss and I am not saying that I actually look like an elephant but seeing as the elephant is one of the larger land mammals, I feel like I can relate.


Let me explain.


I have always had a very poor opinion of myself and my weight.  I have been like this most of my life starting in my teen years.  I have also always compared myself to others around me.  Don't ask me why but I have.  To give you an example, when I am in a room with strangers, I usually look around the room and realize that I am one of (if not THE) biggest person in the room.  I still do it to this day.  When take public transportation to work, I look around and think to myself "OMG, I am the biggest person on this bus" (sometimes I am not THE biggest but I am one of the biggest).  If I am in a bar or restaurant, I notice it too.  If I am at a big social gathering (i.e. wedding, shower etc) I look around and notice the exact same thing.  And now that I have put on so much weight in the past few years, I have realized that at work, I am the biggest employee in my department.    


You know what?  This feeling SUCKS.  It absolutely sucks.  I don't need to be the smallest or the prettiest but I really just want to be an average size again.  I have been average-sized before and I want to be average-sized again.  That really isn't too much to ask for, is it?


For those of you who are already reading my blog (I did send it to a few select people), I did warn you that this blog was going to be honest and very personal.  Next time you are with me in a large group setting and you see me looking around the room when we first get there then you will probably know what I am doing.  Don't worry, I won't do it the entire time we are there.  It usually just takes me a few seconds to quickly scan the room.  Hopefully in the not so distant future though when you are with me, and I look around the room, I will get a little smile or smirk on my face!  Then you can be pretty certain that I have determined that I am not THE biggest or even one of the biggest in that room.  At that point, "average-sized me" will have arrived!!  


Here is looking forward to average-sized me!